Wk 4 ~ First Progress photos

Today's WI marks the 4th WI of the year and it was a good one. I lost 2.6lbs for a total of 12lbs lost thus far. I am right on track to be where I want to by the end of May. Unfortunately, this was suppose to be the first of my every 4wk progress photos however, I was awakened at 6:01am by a phone call from one of my employees inquiring as to whether I had forgotten I was suppose to be on shift at 6am...hmmm, yep. I forgot. This meant I had to rush and get ready and get to work with no time to get the "official" progress photos but will do so tomorrow.

I also went to bed "early" at 1030pm last night and will go to bed just after this posting. I think that despite my healthier eating and increase in activity the lack of adequate sleep has kept me in the tired category. I typically go to bed between midnight at 2am so making sure I get more sleep is just one of the first baby steps in an effort to take better care of me.

Obsess much?

Are we as women wired so as to obsess more easily and often than our male counterparts?

Have we not all spent countless hours considering every minute detail about a decision or issue, sometimes that are not even in the realm of our control?

I myself have obsessed the most in my life about food. Big surprise huh? I have spent entirely too much time in my life considering what I could cook, bake, buy, eat...you get the picture. I wouldn't be here, writing about my stuggle to lose weight if I didn't have such a love, love to have a little more relationship with all things delicious now would I?

I have at times illuded to persons in my life that I am a secret eater but I don't think I've ever told ANYONE to what extreme that meant. Sadly I have memories that go way back into my childhood about sneaking just one more piece of fudge, one more rice crispy treat or one more batch of cookie dough. (Do you know anyone else who has the 1/4 batch of choc chip cookie dough memorized!?). Seriously, I do. I can not tell you how many batches of that I've made over the years for the sole purpose of eating, raw right out of the bowl. I have done variations (rarely including choc chips) that typically include walnuts, occassionally oatmeal & cinnamon and I have even made peanut butter cookie dough sometimes.

I guess you could say I owe my current struggle to my lifelong obession with food. I know no kinds of obsessions are good but right here, right now, I would trade an obsession with food for an obsession with exercise. :)

I think this time around I am feeling that if I don't lay it all on the line and make this journey more public that I will find it too easy to quit. In order to keep myself from being able to even slack off I have started this blog & begun putting it out there where people can find it. I have asked a guy at wk that doesn't struggle with wt & works out that I report my weekly weigh in to him because I feel like knowing that I have to tell him how much I lost will keep me from slacking, I hope that's true. I have even felt that until I post my actual weight on this blog I won't be truly honest - but who needs to be so honest all at once? I think I'll take this one confession at a time.

Did I mention I am also somewhat obsessed with the scale? That can wait for another day.

Wk 3 ~ Patience, and the lack there of..

Is it really possible that my metabolism is aging more quickly than my mind? Last year I began a similar journey of weight loss and better health that last about 12wks. The first week I lost 10lbs. I am now three weeks into this journey (the final one) and I have yet to lose 10lbs. Certainly the lack of "success" is not because I have not been 100% faithful to tracking my food nor have I done any moving outside of my own home! Goodness knows THAT can't be the reason!

I'm really good at praise for other people. I remind my friends that ANY loss is a victory and that its not one particular weigh in that defines our journey but the accumulation of even the smallest losses. So why was I disappointed this mornig with a 2.2lb loss!? I had really hoped for 6 or 7 tenths more to make it to or break thru the 10lb mark. I guess that victory will have to come next week along with the first progress pictures. I dont know that there will be any marked change but I have vowed to take pictures every 4wks. One day I will be able to use all those pictures to create the illusion that I went from obeset to healthy in seconds instead of months.

Making Time for Me

I have been thinking all week about women's "Fat days"...you know what I'm talking about girls. However, tonight as I left work 12hrs after I arrived and pondered what light dinner I could have when I get home, how was I gonna get in my workout tonight etc I realized I had a bigger problem than occasional Fat days so that will have to wait for another day.

This year I had vowed to make multiple changes in my life: eat better, move more, get organized, but the hardest change has proven to be making time for me. I have a demanding job, a husband who is gone approximately 14 days a month, and two kids who I would do anything for and typically any of these things get presidence over making time for me. This is not atypical for most women and or mothers. We put everyone elses needs ahead of ours but don't we hear that if we take care of ourselves it will better enable us to care for others? I know that if I could just learn to make time for me I will feel better and subsequently be a better mother, wife, employee and boss yet I just can't seem to even make the time to track my food during the day. Heck, I eat two of my meals each day at my desk! I know this isn't good but haven't yet been able to break the cycle.

I think I will have to tackle this just as I have the effort to move more...baby steps. I think this week I will try simply to take my lunch time for me. Even if it remains at my desk, I will close my office door and not do work things for at least 30min. I could use that time to track my food or call my Grandmother who I haven't spoken to since Christmas Eve. Perhaps a time for change needs to start with time for me.

Wk 2 ~ The Pain of Loss

No, not the loss of a person or other such things. I’m talking about the pain of weight loss.

Do you ever wonder why they don’t discuss the pain associated with intense workouts on the show The Biggest Loser? I have began my umpteenth weight loss journey this year by eating right and thus far simply doing Wii Fit Aerobics and balance games. Even as I type my calves are so sore its almost unbarable to clinch them tight, my thighs waver taking the stairs at work and the muscles on back ache from virtual boxing. Doesn’t it stand to reason that these morbidly obese contestants, most of which have never worked out before, must suffer from horrible soreness after the sudden onslaught of all day workouts and the dreaded last chance workout!? Don’t they wake some days almost unable to get out of bed? Do they care so long as the number on the scale goes down at the weekly WI?

This week I would have to say the pain was worth it. The number on the scale went down 1.8 lbs for me this week. Two weeks into 2009 and 7.2lbs lost. No rest for the weary…I’m off to try kick week three off – maybe I’ll discover a new muscle by making it scream in pain. haha

Move More

Eleven days into the new year and I would have expected by now to be taking long brisk walks around the neighborhood or on the tredmill in the weightroom. Who knew I would have found such a fun and effective way to burn calories and work out muscles that have been close to stagnant for way too long.

I am proud that I have already logged so much time playing virtual hula hoop, skiing, stepping to the beat and even catching fish as a penguin. I dont' know that it has the same effect as hip hop step classes I've taken in the past but I have spent 4hrs and 28min of the last eleven days moving more than I have in any other eleven days in many many months. I hope this is the start of a more active me and that it helps in my quest to finally be rid of all this excess weight I've been carrying for entirely too long.

Wednesday Weigh In

Oddly enough on my first weekly weigh in I ended up with no time to post my results....work was too busy and as I finally sat down with my laptop at the end of the night my mother came over and stayed til past midnight. Normally these would sound like excuses not to post a bad weigh in and this was not the case this week. I lost 5.4lbs! A very good start. Sadly, the number is still so grossly large I would never imagine certain people in my life knowing just how much I weigh.

Tonight was somewhat liberating. I actually spoke with my mom freely about just how deep my troubles with food went. You see, I have been obsessed with food for as long as I can remember. As a child I would think of food almost constantly. I have never had self control. I would never eat just one piece of something or until I was satisfied but instead I would go back for more and more until the food that I wanted/liked was all gone. I actually think that somehow this food obsession is genetic because my daughter seems to exhibit similar food tendancies as I did as a child. This is a big reason why I feel the need to change my habits now, while my daughter is still at an impressionable enough age that she might learn from me how better to relate to food. I want her to have a more active life than we lead right now.

What I do I do for me, to be healthier and stronger but why I do what I do is because of her.

A Woman’s Sacred Number

Why do so many women guard their “number” with such conviction? The need to keep this number secret crosses the boundaries of fat to thin, obese to healthy weight women of all ages, races & body types. Why? It has such a hold over us that most of us we can recall our weight at any given event or special occasion for years past.

Even more interesting is the fact that women who are heavy and would never dream of sharing their weight with ANYONE then lose the weight and are the same ones that will tell everyone and anyone how much they lost, what they currently weigh and “Can you believe I use to be . . xxxlbs?!?”

I too tend to keep my weight secret only I do so only from those that are close to me. To the many women and friends that I have found online all know EXACTLY what I weigh down to the fraction of a pound as well as what I lose every week and what I hope to weigh at the end of my weight loss journey. I don’t know that liberating myself from the hush of my number will allow me to lose weight any faster or shame me into ensuring the number continues to get lower and lower every week but I think it’s time I posted it as predominantly as it rings in my head day after day. After all, this is a blog, not a nametag I have to wear boldly on my chest or a stamp on my forehead…

Maybe tomorrow will be my day to be brave.

Changes in the Kitchen

My daughter asked if she could stack all the fruit in the green bowl today as we unloaded groceries, I told her yes and directed the onions etc to her. When we were done it struck me that this was the sight of a new, healthy start to our year. I felt it deserved a picture. I hope that the "green bowl" looks this good all year! :)

Celebrating even the smallest of Success'

This evening marks the end of the third successful day back on track. I've been eating healthy foods and not overeating. It seems small but if you truly knew me and how food has consumed my life since a very early age you would know that this is a victory in and of itself. Its but a small victory because the true challenge will come when I've been back on track for 2 or 3 months and have started seeing some success. Usually about the time other people start noticing and commenting, "Wow, have you lost weight?" or "You look good, how much weight have you lost?" That is usually about the time I'm feeling better about myself and allow myself to go off track...and never come back.

This time will be different. I will slip but I will not fall. I have to see this through to the end this time.

It all begins (again) Today!

I’m not sure what made me decide that this time, the final time, I would blog my wt loss journey but here I am. I intend to post weekly weigh-ins and progress pictures periodically and but have no other set in stone intentions for this blog.

My New Year’s resolution is actually to become more organized. I think that being disorganized could be at the root of most of my problems/frustration. If only I could organize my schedule better than I would have time for exercise, I would shop more successfully (with lists)….heck, it might even lead to meal planning eventually (gasp). If my home were better organized I could do things more quickly and efficiently therefore saving time etc.

For the record, I will be doing WW online and exercising on my own. I feel like WW is the best fit for me because I can eat anything I want so long as I account for it. It teaches healthy eating and allows for celebrations etc and doesn’t keep me eating overpriced, prepackaged foods that do not allow the user to learn on their own a very important item: portion control! Enough about that, no I’m not being paid by WW to promote. I thought that 2008 was going to be my final journey on WW and successfully lost almost 30lbs in early 2008 only to allow myself to be steered off course and gain it all back!

I now am beginning, again, today. I know my current weight; have a stash of before pictures that will someday prove how far I came in my quest to lose 95lbs. Yep, you read that right. I want to lose 95lbs. Wow, just seeing that number is a bit daunting but I won’t focus on that number but rather the little steps, small successes and weekly Wednesday weigh-ins.

Here’s to feeling fine in 2009!