Monday, March 9

Back on Track

I have heard it said that the first step in recovery is admitting you have problem so despite the fact that I obviously have a problem with food...I mean, I wouldn't have spent my entire adult life yo-yoing up and down the scale, secret eating, overeating etc perhaps I need to admit to someone other than myself that I have derailed. I still can not control my urges and keep myself from eating things that I know I should eat.

Sadly, despite that I've begun what will be my final jouney to a healthy weight and healthier life and despite success for 9 wks I still allowed myself to slack!

Ok, slack is probably an understatement. I feel as if I have totally derailed. I saw a very slight gain last Wednesday and until Saturday didnt even realize I hadn't posted my Wednesday weigh in (WI). I truly was just so busy that I didn't get it done. Sure if I'd had a great loss I woulda probably made the time to post but on Wed I was at work until 10pm, Thursday night we had a date night, & Friday night I was at work again until 10p so my lack of post had more to do with not being home in the evening which is when I typically blog vs. the fact that the scale had gone up a meer 4/10ths of a pound. If I was being totally honest, and it seems as if that's what I'm trying to be, I would admit how bummed I was that that gain meant in 3 wks I had lost only 4lbs. I was down .4 two weeks prior, then down 4.0 the previous wk then up .4 - maybe four is my number. haha

Enough of the ramblings of the missed WI. Down to the more difficult part of this post...confession! I don't really know what causes me to derail but it seems this is about the point in my journey last year that I also got off track, only then I stayed off track for the remainder of the year! I refuse to do that this time. I had lost a couple more pounds by this time last year but the specific number is not the issue, I had started to notice changes, was feeling better about myself..had a some people noticing that I was dropping pounds and that is what I think allowed me to get just a little lax. That little lax turned into a little more lax and soon the healthier choices were all but forgotten and I was back to my "wicked" ways. This past week I have eaten similarly to how I have in the past and while some of the things were not as bad as they would have been in the past they were still choices I wouldn't have made just a few weeks ago and some things scared me in that I thought they might be the beginning of going full fledge back to my destructive pattern of gaining and gaining and gaining.

This is my confession: Between coming back from being sicker than I had been in a very long time, some of the most horrific days at work that I have had in many many months and a terrible personal matter that my brother is struggling with I found myself turning to food for comfort. I went through the drive thru for lunch one day only to allow myself to also have a fast food dinner. That same night I found myself sitting with a half batch of brownie batter and a bag of walnuts. I use the walnuts to scoop up and eat the brownie batter. I sat there trying not to think about anything and just ate .... then an email from a very good friend saved me from consuming that whole bowl of brownie batter. (Thank you Crecia!) I got up, dumped it and the remaining mix that might have been eaten the very next night. Just a couple days later I felt guilty as I was texting that same friend and assuring her I was back on track as I sat in the parking lot of a Chinese place waiting to go in and pick up my order of combination fried rice & egg rolls. Now, the only good thing about that particular order was that I made it on a day I knew I was going to be at work until late (1st of the 10pm days) so what in the past would have been one incredibly indulgent calorie enormous make me feel like a whale meal was actually three meals. I ate lunch and dinner and lunch the next day off one order. I guess that was a success right? Although it wasn't a healthy choice I also didn't scarf it all down in one sitting.

The worst of it was that I also have eaten two pints of ice cream over the long weekend. I can't believe I did it. The kids and I were out shopping and only one local place has my all time fav...Haagen Dazs Chocoloate Peanut Butter. I brought a pint home and ended up eating the entire pint all by myself. A day or two later I saw a new Ben & Jerry's flavor...Ginger Snap. It wasnt' nearly as good as it would need to have been to have set me back in the way that I am sure it will.

The very very worst of it all is that I have made it this far in my journey, as I have in the past, by allowing myself the occassional fast food and other things that typically are no-no's in traditional "diets". I love WW because as long as I account for what I consume and the vast majority of my choices are good ones then I can still lose weight. However, when you begin making bad choices you tend to quit being accountable for those you see where this is going right? I haven't logged my food in a couple of weeks. I just wasn't eating when I was sick and so I didn't see the point, nor did I have the energy.

Today I am officially back on track. I weighed this morning in the same 1.2lbs that I have been teetering in since being sick and for now that is a HUGE blessing. Perhaps my poor choices just haven't caught up with me but I made myself some banana pancakes and put them in the recipe builder on WW and accounted for what I ate!

In a little while I will go to the store and restock my pantry and get things to restock my stash at work and this will all be behind me in no time.

Hey, maybe I'll be lighter on Wednesday just from having gotten this weight off my chest! :)

Why is it that when we know we are derailing we sometimes have no means to stop it from happening?


Lucrecia said...

First, I'm so impressed you had the guts to post all that! I'd be likely to try and excuse it or more likely just ignore it all together! Second, I don't think we can be friends anymore. You only gained 1.2 pounds? I think that is a huge success! I seriously would have gained at least 5 and am still certain I'll see that pound I should have gained from yesterday show up tomorrow.! I bet that 1 will be gone by tomorrow!!! I hope you know that next time you are tempted to get B&J you should text me BEFORE you hit the check out! We can have a scoop of very expensive B&J together next year in Mexico!

The only thing that kept me from going where you went.. fear. I've not had the fear before. I'm scared of failing, scared of starting to eat like that again and not having the power to stop again. I'm proud of you for stopping!

Post a Comment

Your comments and encouragment are appreciated!