S.O.S. …. I’m OOS!!

Where I work OOS stands for Out of Service and while I’m not exactly Out of Service, I am definitely Out of Shape!

I truly started this journey more to be at a healthy weight and to set a healthier example for my children than to be “hot”. I was tired of being winded from something as simple as climbing one set of stairs. Today I was reminded that, while I am 30lbs lighter than when I started this journey I am not necessarily in any better cardio health. I mean, I don’t workout with any regularity and it shows. You see, I decided to go for a bike ride with my son and intended to be out for an hour. Ok perhaps, just perhaps, if the chains had allowed me to adjust them as they were intended I might have stayed out longer but the truth of it is my legs were burning within the first few minutes and I returned to the house short of breath and heart racing after just 25min.

Deep down yes, I’d love to be a hot mama but more importantly I’d like to be able to ride with my child until he is ready to return home and not when his mother is in need of a rest. I’d love to look good naked but truth be told I’d be happy to be at a normal BMI and not have a closet full of clothes with only a few that “fit right now”.

I must get back into the habit of moving and doing so with regularity. I may just have to go against my nature and make a plan. Map out my workouts and stick to them until they become second nature as they were for a brief period earlier in the year. I have got to turn this around and get to my healthy goal. I think that for this challenge, the GAG one, I would like to make it to Onederland...I haven't wanted to say that out loud because that was the same goal I'd had for end of Summer...and that failed in big bold neon fashion. This time I will do it. I will start the new year in Onederland and make a solemn vow to myself and all of Blogland that I will NEVER allow myself into the 200s again!!

I think I may have just answered my own distress signal...

Self-Sabotage
Self-Indulgent
Self-Pity...NO

Gluttonous & Guilty

One Month = 6lb lost
One Week = 6lbs gained

Why?
What does it matter...

Make a Plan
Take Action
Get Moving
Get back to Losing
Put it behind me

Week 30 may as well be Week 1

I'm still here
I haven't given up
I am strong

Self-Reliant
Self-Sufficient

I will persevere!

Where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going

I was recently trying to better organize my closet and drawers etc when I came across a couple of dresses that inspired this post.

The first dress is one that I bought for my brothers wedding in October of last year. I wore this same dress for our company Christmas party in December and distinctly recall feeling HUGE that night and hating the picture that was taken of all of the people from my department. I wondered what I weighed then and how different the dress would look now that I've lost weight. Well, rather than try to describe for you the difference let's take a look at photographic evidence shall we?

This is the picture taken at our Company Christmas party. I went back and looked at my weight tracker on WW and I weighed around 5lbs less when this was taken than I did at the beginning of the year when I started this particular journey and blog.

This is where I've been:

The next picture was taken today, 27 1/2 weeks into my weightloss journey and around 37lbs less than in the previous picture.

This is where I am:

(I realize the original picture isn't the best but I think you really can see the difference in size of my booty!)

I also saw a dress hanging there, so lonely in my closet, that I wore when we went on a cruise with a large group of friends back in 2006. At that time I was 20lbs from where I think I would be happy as a goal weight. Silly, silly girl. Why did you let yourself get so big again? So I thought that it might be just as worthwhile to see where I am currently in that same dress vs. where I hope to one day be. (again)

This is where I am: (apologies for the girls being so prominently displayed but, well, the dress covered more when there was less to cover! :)

This is where I want to be: (relatively anyway)

*at the time of posting I was unable to find the full length pic of me in this dress. I guess it was taken by someone else. I will have to find it and scan it later today.

Pictures really do say a lot don't they? I am due to take another update picture this week as well and I'm thinking it's time for me to find a new outfit that will continue to show the progress I make from here forward. The current shirt is so large now it just isn't a good choice anymore.

I am hoping these pictures will remind me of where I've been (and never want to go back), of where I am (and have worked hard to get here...again) and of where I'm going...only this time I'm setting up permant residence in Maintenanceville!!

I am an Addict

I recently watched an episode of Saving Grace in which the main character, Det. Grace Hanadarko, goes undercover in Alcoholics Annonymous meetings in order to solve a possible homicide. During the show the signs of being an Alcoholic are discussed and although drinking alone and eating alone may both be signs of different addictions what struck a chord with me were the words of one of the Alcoholics as she describes to Grace how she has managed to stay sober for as long as she had. (if I recall correctly it was 6mo & some days) The way she said she mananged to do it was to simply fight the urge: minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, etc. It was a constant struggle.

The next day I found myself talking myself out of a binge. It was a constant flow of no, you don't really want it. No, you really shouldn't do it....eat it. You will undo all that you've worked so hard to accomplish. A couple of hours past and still the random thought of, "I could have...." or "I could make..." and those words of an addict from the show came to mind and I realized.. I am addicted to food!! I had to make a conscious effort not to allow myself to give in to what my mind told me I wanted. I wasn't hungry. I most certainly didn't need any of what I was craving. It was mental.

I'm not sure yet exactly what to make of this realization. I knew I could get out of control, I knew I was capable of binging and definitely knew I was a secret eater but to truly put it in the perspective of being addicted. I will need time to wrap my head around it. The only thing I know for sure is this is why this has always been, and always will be, a struggle for me. I have heard it said that addicts do better when they choose different friends, different environments. Ones that reduce the risk of them having a setback but how do you not be at risk for eating!? I must learn to control myself around food - that part truly isn't the hard part. The hard part for me will be controlling myself when no one is around. No eyes watching to judge what I'm consuming. No one to answer to by myself.

Hmmmm. Just something to ponder for now I guess.

This WW Journey has been temporarily interrupted

No, I have not stopped trying to lose nor have I strayed from my weightloss journey. Please, let me explain. I am a Weight Watcher. I really like the program because it allows me to eat whatever I want so long as I account for it and for those really "bad" things I find it a fun challenge to find a way to make them healthier & better for me. (lower points)

That said, after recent, absolutely incredible fabulous and awesome two full week family vacation that miraculously resulted in "only" a 5lb weight gain I realized that even if I lost the full 5lbs my first week back I would have "wasted" three weeks maintaining! Now I'm not knocking maintenance. It has always elluded me or I wouldnt be here. I've been losts thinner in years past. The hardest part has always been keeping it off. I'm not sure what caused me to make this decision but during the day on Wednesday I started thinking about low carb and how quickly the weight can come off while doing it. (You see, I first learned about low carb many years ago from a Dr and may have turned on a couple of my friends to it) I made the decision to do the low carb induction for two weeks. I really really wanted to get the vacation gain off as quickly as possible and start moving the scale a bit more quickly than it did for the 8wks I was doing the Sizzlin Hot for Summer Challenge.

I know that this change will only be temporary because for me low carb doesn't work long term. I don't have any problems with others for whom it works but for me it simply causes me to carb crave and I tend to be more likely to carb binge. Doing low carb for me does not take away my cravings like it does for my friend Lucrecia. I end up just wanting what I "can't" have while with Weight Watchers I can have whatever I want so long as I account for it. I do eat whole wheats instead of white pastas and breads and overall I just find it easier to teach my children how to eat healthy if I am leading by example rather than having a different meal than they are.

This is my choice, my journey.

That said, the scale has already begun to move swiftly. I don't know how long it will continue to move as swiftly as the first few days but I also am not certain I can continue low carb for more than a couple weeks. Especially because I am doing the much lower carb induction phase. Tomorrow will truly be a test. My mother and I are hosting the post baby shower for my sister in law and spent the majority of the day making chicken salads, pasta salad, cutting up fruit etc. I know I can have one of the chicken salads but the true hurdle will be the cake and cookies my mom ordered from a local bakery. You see, these particular iced sugar cookies are ones that in the past I have gone out of my way to buy and eat in the car so no one would know. I even used to buy the bags of broken pieces they would sell and eat the whole thing myself. They are so good. I will be strong. I am worth it and, well, to take a line from WW "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels." - its just been so long since I was thin I think cheesecake tastes pretty darn close! lol

I believe, its all about choices

This is something I’ve been contemplating writing about for a few months now. My dear friend Lucrecia stirred my thoughts on this in a post she wrote about use of the word diet. Now that I’m away from home with a little more time to write I’ve been trying to work this out in my head. Ironically, this week, Shiela posted a very interesting link to a series on youtube called Skinny Kids. This was just the push I needed to finally put pen to paper ~ you know what I mean.

I have written posts already about my struggle with food and how it started for me at a very early age. I also have seen that I seem to have passed this genetic aptitude for all things wonderful to my daughter. My beautiful, kind, sweet, and loving daughter, she can no more resist a Reese’s peanut butter cup than deny her body oxygen …and that she got that from her momma!!

I cannot help what she sees, hears and experiences in the outside world but I can effect what she hears, sees and is offered to eat at home. Isn’t that where it all starts and matters? At home?! I prefer not to use the word diet but I am not a fanatic about it. I prefer to teach my children that it is not about denying ourselves but about healthy choices. I hope that the choices they make will not be made solely for the purpose of losing weight, to “get skinny” and that they are not temporary. The choices we make must be made for the purpose of getting or being fit and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I want to teach them, by example, that if the majority of the choices we make both in what we eat and how we act (move/exercise) are good wholesome and healthy choices that this will affect our overall well being and allow us to live healthier more fulfilling lives that are not restricted by the things we are not able to do because we are overweight or not fit enough to do.

My daughter is 11 and I’m not sure why I was surprised that even several years ago in Elementary school the girls were already picking on each other and some girls were on diets! Some felt it was acceptable for them to pass judgment on whether or not another’s clothes were cool or not. Those judgments have only escalated with age. The “cool” kids now pass judgment on who is or is not acceptable to be in their rankings, they give their opinions on others clothing and, well, of course on others weight.

Every parent wants to protect their children. Protect them from physical harm of course, but also from emotional pains. I hurt for my daughter when she tells me of the things others say. I know that I cannot protect her 24hrs a day but I can try to instill things in her that just might help her to make better choices, I can encourage her to be more active by allowing her to be active with me. I can promote physical activity over things that allow us to sit on our bums. (Except for blogging of course) :)

All in all I know the dictionary definition of the word diet but today’s culture has attached such negative connotations to it that I prefer not to use it. I hate that what someone weighs is such a big part of the media. Magazine covers that so boldly display non flattering pictures of celebrities and pass judgment on who is and is not the ideal physique. Who are “they” to decide?! I want my children to judge people for who they are on the inside not simply for how they look on the outside. I want them to love themselves like I have not always loved myself. I know that I cannot keep the outside world’s images and influences from my children but I can show them how they should act, and live. Teach them of God’s love and nurture their hearts so that maybe, just maybe, the outside world will not have the grip on them that it has on others. I want to teach my children how to make good choices.

Size shouldn't matter. Right?

I am the same person from one day to the next, al beit I am slowly shrinking in size but from one day to the immediate next I am the same person. Why is it that what the label on any particular article of clothing make a difference in how I feel? The scale is going down, I am getting in better shape so why is it that not being able to get into any particular size or getting into a particular size can have such a drastic effect on my psyche?

I have recently been able to get back into a pair of pants that I had outgrown. This prompted me to go shopping in my own closet only to find that two other pairs of pants I haven't worn in a very very long time had the same number on the label as those I just started wearing again...sadly they are not the same size! Despite the labels saying they are both the same the others are much smaller! See? So with this as absolute proof that every size is different even if it says its the same as another does what any particular label says bother me?

And now for the opposite spectrum....why if I am the same person struggling to get out of my fat clothes should the fact that by some twist of cosmic fate I can actually put a skirt on that has a big fat M on it can make me so giddy? It doesn't matter to me that this is not how the skirt is suppose to fit just that I can get it on and, yes, I purchased it and thought that maybe, just maybe I would look smashing in it by the time I go on my goal weight celebratory cruise next February. Here is the not so good mobile pic I took the day I first tried it on...

I know that size shouldn't matter but sometimes it makes a difference in how I feel. Anyone else feel the same?