Sunday, June 28

I am an Addict

I recently watched an episode of Saving Grace in which the main character, Det. Grace Hanadarko, goes undercover in Alcoholics Annonymous meetings in order to solve a possible homicide. During the show the signs of being an Alcoholic are discussed and although drinking alone and eating alone may both be signs of different addictions what struck a chord with me were the words of one of the Alcoholics as she describes to Grace how she has managed to stay sober for as long as she had. (if I recall correctly it was 6mo & some days) The way she said she mananged to do it was to simply fight the urge: minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, etc. It was a constant struggle.

The next day I found myself talking myself out of a binge. It was a constant flow of no, you don't really want it. No, you really shouldn't do it....eat it. You will undo all that you've worked so hard to accomplish. A couple of hours past and still the random thought of, "I could have...." or "I could make..." and those words of an addict from the show came to mind and I realized.. I am addicted to food!! I had to make a conscious effort not to allow myself to give in to what my mind told me I wanted. I wasn't hungry. I most certainly didn't need any of what I was craving. It was mental.

I'm not sure yet exactly what to make of this realization. I knew I could get out of control, I knew I was capable of binging and definitely knew I was a secret eater but to truly put it in the perspective of being addicted. I will need time to wrap my head around it. The only thing I know for sure is this is why this has always been, and always will be, a struggle for me. I have heard it said that addicts do better when they choose different friends, different environments. Ones that reduce the risk of them having a setback but how do you not be at risk for eating!? I must learn to control myself around food - that part truly isn't the hard part. The hard part for me will be controlling myself when no one is around. No eyes watching to judge what I'm consuming. No one to answer to by myself.

Hmmmm. Just something to ponder for now I guess.

6 comments:

Sassle said...

Melisa, I am an alcoholic and a food addict (I was doubly blessed). I have 9.5 years sobriety from alcohol and I don't need to fight the urge of either addiction day by day, minute by minute on most days. There are days where I must fight myself not to eat something, not to binge, not to go and buy a box of cookies and cake and eat the whole thing while hubby is at work, I avoid eating sweets (they trigger binges)and thanks to a certain 12 step program alcohol is no longer a temptation that I must continuously fight. I believe it's because I go to 12 Step meetings and its thanks to those meetings that I'm able to now lose weight due to the fact that I've applied the 12 steps to my whole life eating included.

I'm thinking if you believe you have a problem with addiction (food) then perhaps a 12 step program might help, it's personally been saving my life.

Ang said...

Melisa,
I so can identify with this and wrote a post about it a little while ago. http://getfitby40.blogspot.com/2008/02/addiction.html

I hope you are able to overcome yours.

Annalisa201 said...

I am so there with you, except I've been giving into my cravings for a couple weeks now. I worked hard this weekend to overcome my cravings, but today I let myself down again. It's not that I don't have the willpower, it's that sometimes it takes too much energy to fight the urge, and when I'm blue I lose all desire to fight the urge. Good for you on putting in the effort to fight it, because it isn't easy, we all know. Good for you! It will get easier!

Terri said...

Yep, can identify with this. My problem is, for the past month, I've not fought it, I've just gave into the binge eating. Well now, I'm done. I'm done to giving in! Great post.

Hexpress said...
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Lucrecia said...

First, congrats on holding the binge at bay and not eating what you knew you would later regret!

I had a similar realization this weekend, not so much about being addicted, but about who you surround yourself with. It's hard to be the only one in the room not doing something - especially when you really want to be doing it to!

In contrast it wasn't hard to go to the movies and not have popcorn when I knew you were there not having any too! I actually would have done a little better this weekend if I'd known you were struggling too - so next time you are fighting the urge, share! It might not be just your butt you are saving :-)

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