I am an Addict

I recently watched an episode of Saving Grace in which the main character, Det. Grace Hanadarko, goes undercover in Alcoholics Annonymous meetings in order to solve a possible homicide. During the show the signs of being an Alcoholic are discussed and although drinking alone and eating alone may both be signs of different addictions what struck a chord with me were the words of one of the Alcoholics as she describes to Grace how she has managed to stay sober for as long as she had. (if I recall correctly it was 6mo & some days) The way she said she mananged to do it was to simply fight the urge: minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, etc. It was a constant struggle.

The next day I found myself talking myself out of a binge. It was a constant flow of no, you don't really want it. No, you really shouldn't do it....eat it. You will undo all that you've worked so hard to accomplish. A couple of hours past and still the random thought of, "I could have...." or "I could make..." and those words of an addict from the show came to mind and I realized.. I am addicted to food!! I had to make a conscious effort not to allow myself to give in to what my mind told me I wanted. I wasn't hungry. I most certainly didn't need any of what I was craving. It was mental.

I'm not sure yet exactly what to make of this realization. I knew I could get out of control, I knew I was capable of binging and definitely knew I was a secret eater but to truly put it in the perspective of being addicted. I will need time to wrap my head around it. The only thing I know for sure is this is why this has always been, and always will be, a struggle for me. I have heard it said that addicts do better when they choose different friends, different environments. Ones that reduce the risk of them having a setback but how do you not be at risk for eating!? I must learn to control myself around food - that part truly isn't the hard part. The hard part for me will be controlling myself when no one is around. No eyes watching to judge what I'm consuming. No one to answer to by myself.

Hmmmm. Just something to ponder for now I guess.

Week 25 Weigh In

Wow, a whole week at home went by and I never made it back to post. I really have not even made it to read many other blogs. Things are crazy at work right now, have had three people resign in last month and fortunately we have three new people in various stages of training but we already were short so we're still treading water. I am working weekend nights which is vastly different than my normal M-F gig and I've tried hard not to let it effect my diet.

I've stuck to low carb induction despite the baby showere with WONDERFUL cake, cookies etc. Father's Day and my daughters bday. On her birthday she wanted to go to the movies - mmmm movie theater popcorn with lots of what they call "buter" and jalepenos. Let's just say I was VERY tempted to eat it with them and only allowed myself a single handful! After the movie she chose to invite grandparents and Aunt & Uncle over for a brownie sundae bar. Now THAT was tempting. Brownies with little peanut butter cups, various ice cream flavors, chocolate & caramel sauces, whipped cream and sprinkles. I did have some whip cream, but that's it! I guess my resolve has stood firm mainly because I know its the only thing I'm doing. I have not been able to get back on track with exercise and so any slip could be a fatal tumble.

This past weekend I also went back to look at figure out how I've done for the Fitago challenge and was a little upset that from the time I entered the challenge in mid April to last weeks WI I'd only lost 4.8lbs! This didn't stay with me long as I shortly there after entered my recent WI into my weightwatchers.com profile and it showed me that for the 24wks I've been on program I'd lost an average of 1.4lbs/wk WOW! Really? Even with a month off (combined business trips and vacation) with the vacation gain etc? Now how can someone be upset with an average like that?! I mean, if I maintained an average loss like that I just might be 38lbs lighter by New Years! :)

I think I'm going to continue low carb, just not as drastic as low as induction for a few more days and perhaps a week. I still had some low carb items that would be WW no-nos in my fridge and pantry that I just can't let go to waste and think I can stick it out a bit longer without my oatmeal, cereal or fresh fruit til then.

This week was a good one. The scale was down another 2.8lbs, 2.2lbs of which is NEW Loss! That means I've lost a total of 38.4lbs thus far and am really, really hoping to make the 40lb mark next week.

I intend to start moving - but don't we all know about good intensions. :) I'm afraid the My Fitness Coach will ask me who I am when I start her up again. lol

Overall I'm feeling thinner. I'm pleasantly surprised when things slip on without effort or I'm just not disgusted with what is facing me in the mirror. Its that inner self that for me right now is happy. She hasn't registered a "fat day" in awhile and that is good. I think it is this feeling that has been my biggest motivator in recent weeks.

What keeps you motivated?

*this post will be edited this evening to include most recent scale pic - forgot the camera on the bathroom counter after taking the pic this morning.

Week 24 Weigh In

If I was being truly honest I would say that I was a bit bummed when I got on the scale this morning. Not because I didn't lose but because after a full week on low carb induction I had "only" lost 4.4lbs. Now, before you take offense to me saying only to such a great number, I was bummed because I weigh almost daily on had lost 4.4 as of Saturday....so that means from Sat to Wed no more loss! :( I am happy with 4.4 that means I have gotten rid of almost all the vacation gain I just don't know what has caused the stall. Perhaps my body is in rebellion for not being given oatmeal, cereal, fresh fruit or fiber ones bars it has become so accustom to. Perhaps the lack of fiber is catching up with me. (sorry if TMI) Either way I will stick out one more week doing low carb induction before going back to my Weight Watchers plan.

I think the next couple weeks may prove challenging as I am going to have to work mostly weekend nights for a bit. Pretty drastic change from my normal 9-5 Mon-Fri but with the kids out for summer it means more time with them and maybe, just maybe, more chance for moving. Walking, swimming etc.

I am looking forward to the change. It may finally afford me the chance to get caught up on all the blog reading I missed while on vacation too.

Here's to kicking butt - or rather, getting RID of butt the rest of June. I have 5.6lbs to lose to meet my June goal and I don't intend to fail.

This WW Journey has been temporarily interrupted

No, I have not stopped trying to lose nor have I strayed from my weightloss journey. Please, let me explain. I am a Weight Watcher. I really like the program because it allows me to eat whatever I want so long as I account for it and for those really "bad" things I find it a fun challenge to find a way to make them healthier & better for me. (lower points)

That said, after recent, absolutely incredible fabulous and awesome two full week family vacation that miraculously resulted in "only" a 5lb weight gain I realized that even if I lost the full 5lbs my first week back I would have "wasted" three weeks maintaining! Now I'm not knocking maintenance. It has always elluded me or I wouldnt be here. I've been losts thinner in years past. The hardest part has always been keeping it off. I'm not sure what caused me to make this decision but during the day on Wednesday I started thinking about low carb and how quickly the weight can come off while doing it. (You see, I first learned about low carb many years ago from a Dr and may have turned on a couple of my friends to it) I made the decision to do the low carb induction for two weeks. I really really wanted to get the vacation gain off as quickly as possible and start moving the scale a bit more quickly than it did for the 8wks I was doing the Sizzlin Hot for Summer Challenge.

I know that this change will only be temporary because for me low carb doesn't work long term. I don't have any problems with others for whom it works but for me it simply causes me to carb crave and I tend to be more likely to carb binge. Doing low carb for me does not take away my cravings like it does for my friend Lucrecia. I end up just wanting what I "can't" have while with Weight Watchers I can have whatever I want so long as I account for it. I do eat whole wheats instead of white pastas and breads and overall I just find it easier to teach my children how to eat healthy if I am leading by example rather than having a different meal than they are.

This is my choice, my journey.

That said, the scale has already begun to move swiftly. I don't know how long it will continue to move as swiftly as the first few days but I also am not certain I can continue low carb for more than a couple weeks. Especially because I am doing the much lower carb induction phase. Tomorrow will truly be a test. My mother and I are hosting the post baby shower for my sister in law and spent the majority of the day making chicken salads, pasta salad, cutting up fruit etc. I know I can have one of the chicken salads but the true hurdle will be the cake and cookies my mom ordered from a local bakery. You see, these particular iced sugar cookies are ones that in the past I have gone out of my way to buy and eat in the car so no one would know. I even used to buy the bags of broken pieces they would sell and eat the whole thing myself. They are so good. I will be strong. I am worth it and, well, to take a line from WW "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels." - its just been so long since I was thin I think cheesecake tastes pretty darn close! lol

Wk 23 Weigh In ~ Facing the scale after Vacation

My entire family and I had an absolutely incredible two week vacation!! I was a little nervous about getting on the scale this morning but knew it was the first step to getting back on track to losing the remainder of the weight I feel I need to lose. As I stepped on the scale this is what I saw:

I must say, I expected it to be more. Overall a 5lb gain is not very much for two weeks of vacation. I have gained that easily over any given weekend and actually joke about that all the time. Some people go nuts over a 5lb gain and I have always said I could do that in a weekend. I only hope that I can get rid of it as easily.

I am not quite done with all the laundry that follows such a long vacation and the kids are saying they are hungry - darn it no more sending them to the "Towncenter" with a Disney key/pass and letting them pick up their own dinner. I'm guessing I'm going to have to cook! *gasp* So for now only the weigh in update.

Oh, ooooK. I can't resist a couple pics. I got to meet "Kitty!" (I just love the movie Monsters Inc) and the second picture is of my family on the beach in St. Augustine just after my niece's wedding ceremony.

Vacation Update

I'm not sure how well a post from my blackberry will work but we have been just too busy having a FANTASTIC time to be online. My family & I left hm 12days ago and have been non-stop since. A weekend in St Augustine, FL for niece's wedding then 7days at a Disney resort. All four Disney parks as well as Universal Studios & Universal Islands of Adventure. The saving grace to having gotten the "quick service meal plan" at the resort would be all the walking we did at every park. It probably averaged about 20,000 steps a day. One was 24k & one was "only" 14k. I honestly have NO IDEA what the scale will show when I return hm & don't care. I have had a BLAST and will get right back on track when I get home.

I must say that I am SOOOO glad I lost what I did before the trip. I can not imagine my hips fitting in some of the seats for the extreme roller coasters if they were any larger than they are now and I can't imagine having missed those! I also saw a big bonus in most of my capris being so loose or comfortable rather than tight.

We are only just driving hm and won't be back until probably tomorrowq night so my "normal" Wednesday WI will take place on Thursday this week.

Hope you all have been doing well on your journeys. Can't wait to get back to it!