No Longer M. I. A.

This blog began in January of last year when I vowed to start what was to be be my final weight loss journey. I was certain this time I would have the determination to see myself to goal..whatever that may end up being and stay there. I would get the weight off and keep it off permanently.

The year started off really well and by mid July I had lost 43lbs! I was very near half-way to goal. Then, I lost steam, willpower, determination etc. I soon started skipping weigh ins and all but abandoned this blog which I had also been adamant would not end up being one of those blogs/websites that starts off with loads of enthusiasm and progress only to lose steam and wind up being one of those found in searches that hasn’t been updated in eons. Poor little orphaned weight loss sites. I didn’t/don’t want mine to be like that! I also don’t want to be afraid of saying what I weigh or what I’ve lost. I had every intention of using the picture of my starting weight as the header picture for this blog last year and then post each scale picture as proof of my success, or lack thereof, each and every week. I was diligent about taking the pictures but never posted them and when success eluded me for more and more weeks in a row I stopped taking the weekly scale pictures. I need to begin that again.

This time will be different. I resolve to weigh every week no matter the results and post them here. I have to be accountable when the times are tough not just when I have success.

I have to take my before pics this week. I really appreciated being able to visualize the success before and have considered a slightly more drastic approach this time. More on that later.

Here’s to 2010.

S.O.S. …. I’m OOS!!

Where I work OOS stands for Out of Service and while I’m not exactly Out of Service, I am definitely Out of Shape!

I truly started this journey more to be at a healthy weight and to set a healthier example for my children than to be “hot”. I was tired of being winded from something as simple as climbing one set of stairs. Today I was reminded that, while I am 30lbs lighter than when I started this journey I am not necessarily in any better cardio health. I mean, I don’t workout with any regularity and it shows. You see, I decided to go for a bike ride with my son and intended to be out for an hour. Ok perhaps, just perhaps, if the chains had allowed me to adjust them as they were intended I might have stayed out longer but the truth of it is my legs were burning within the first few minutes and I returned to the house short of breath and heart racing after just 25min.

Deep down yes, I’d love to be a hot mama but more importantly I’d like to be able to ride with my child until he is ready to return home and not when his mother is in need of a rest. I’d love to look good naked but truth be told I’d be happy to be at a normal BMI and not have a closet full of clothes with only a few that “fit right now”.

I must get back into the habit of moving and doing so with regularity. I may just have to go against my nature and make a plan. Map out my workouts and stick to them until they become second nature as they were for a brief period earlier in the year. I have got to turn this around and get to my healthy goal. I think that for this challenge, the GAG one, I would like to make it to Onederland...I haven't wanted to say that out loud because that was the same goal I'd had for end of Summer...and that failed in big bold neon fashion. This time I will do it. I will start the new year in Onederland and make a solemn vow to myself and all of Blogland that I will NEVER allow myself into the 200s again!!

I think I may have just answered my own distress signal...

Self-Sabotage
Self-Indulgent
Self-Pity...NO

Gluttonous & Guilty

One Month = 6lb lost
One Week = 6lbs gained

Why?
What does it matter...

Make a Plan
Take Action
Get Moving
Get back to Losing
Put it behind me

Week 30 may as well be Week 1

I'm still here
I haven't given up
I am strong

Self-Reliant
Self-Sufficient

I will persevere!

I am an Addict

I recently watched an episode of Saving Grace in which the main character, Det. Grace Hanadarko, goes undercover in Alcoholics Annonymous meetings in order to solve a possible homicide. During the show the signs of being an Alcoholic are discussed and although drinking alone and eating alone may both be signs of different addictions what struck a chord with me were the words of one of the Alcoholics as she describes to Grace how she has managed to stay sober for as long as she had. (if I recall correctly it was 6mo & some days) The way she said she mananged to do it was to simply fight the urge: minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, etc. It was a constant struggle.

The next day I found myself talking myself out of a binge. It was a constant flow of no, you don't really want it. No, you really shouldn't do it....eat it. You will undo all that you've worked so hard to accomplish. A couple of hours past and still the random thought of, "I could have...." or "I could make..." and those words of an addict from the show came to mind and I realized.. I am addicted to food!! I had to make a conscious effort not to allow myself to give in to what my mind told me I wanted. I wasn't hungry. I most certainly didn't need any of what I was craving. It was mental.

I'm not sure yet exactly what to make of this realization. I knew I could get out of control, I knew I was capable of binging and definitely knew I was a secret eater but to truly put it in the perspective of being addicted. I will need time to wrap my head around it. The only thing I know for sure is this is why this has always been, and always will be, a struggle for me. I have heard it said that addicts do better when they choose different friends, different environments. Ones that reduce the risk of them having a setback but how do you not be at risk for eating!? I must learn to control myself around food - that part truly isn't the hard part. The hard part for me will be controlling myself when no one is around. No eyes watching to judge what I'm consuming. No one to answer to by myself.

Hmmmm. Just something to ponder for now I guess.

Week 10 ~ Weigh In

I have only myself to blame for the fact that I have basically stayed at the exact same place for two weeks! Hmmm, what would be a good word for not moving?...Stagnant maybe!? No, that's not good because I actually have been lower than 2 wks ago and HIGHER than 2wks ago. As of today I am down 0.2lbs from last wk which means I'm UP 0.2lbs from 2wks ago and sitting at 21.6lbs lost in 10wks. Yea, Yea, yea I know that 2.16lb/wk is a good average but I will still beat myself up a little that my total disregard for good decision making during the middle of last wk has cost me this week. It could have been worse, so much worse considering what I ate...and that I realized as I passed a pizza place on the way to the grocery store a few days ago that I left out one thing in my confession.....a trip to that pizza place for dinner one night were I didnt eat that much pizza but I did eat three pieces of Chocolate Chip pizza! oh my..that is evil-bad sinfully delicous stuff. I dont know how they make the pizza taste like cookie dough but if you've read my blog you'll know that cookie dough is a MAJOR weakness for me.

I now stop to count the blessing that is only a 0.2lb overall gain as of today.

I am still tracking my food al beit I have not gotten off my big tushy and done any exercise since entering the confessional on Monday but maybe tonight. Did I say maybe? Allow me to rephrase: I will workout tonight. For an hour. How's that?

Goals for this week:

1 - Track Everything!
2 - Get in all my water every day.
3 - Workout at least 4x!

Next week my goal will be to begin my the habit making process. I really want to start working out in the mornings and have done it enough times successfully to know that it is possible. I just have to do a wee bit of planning the night before!

Back on Track

I have heard it said that the first step in recovery is admitting you have problem so despite the fact that I obviously have a problem with food...I mean, I wouldn't have spent my entire adult life yo-yoing up and down the scale, secret eating, overeating etc perhaps I need to admit to someone other than myself that I have derailed. I still can not control my urges and keep myself from eating things that I know I should eat.

Sadly, despite that I've begun what will be my final jouney to a healthy weight and healthier life and despite success for 9 wks I still allowed myself to slack!

Ok, slack is probably an understatement. I feel as if I have totally derailed. I saw a very slight gain last Wednesday and until Saturday didnt even realize I hadn't posted my Wednesday weigh in (WI). I truly was just so busy that I didn't get it done. Sure if I'd had a great loss I woulda probably made the time to post but on Wed I was at work until 10pm, Thursday night we had a date night, & Friday night I was at work again until 10p so my lack of post had more to do with not being home in the evening which is when I typically blog vs. the fact that the scale had gone up a meer 4/10ths of a pound. If I was being totally honest, and it seems as if that's what I'm trying to be, I would admit how bummed I was that that gain meant in 3 wks I had lost only 4lbs. I was down .4 two weeks prior, then down 4.0 the previous wk then up .4 - maybe four is my number. haha

Enough of the ramblings of the missed WI. Down to the more difficult part of this post...confession! I don't really know what causes me to derail but it seems this is about the point in my journey last year that I also got off track, only then I stayed off track for the remainder of the year! I refuse to do that this time. I had lost a couple more pounds by this time last year but the specific number is not the issue, I had started to notice changes, was feeling better about myself..had a some people noticing that I was dropping pounds and that is what I think allowed me to get just a little lax. That little lax turned into a little more lax and soon the healthier choices were all but forgotten and I was back to my "wicked" ways. This past week I have eaten similarly to how I have in the past and while some of the things were not as bad as they would have been in the past they were still choices I wouldn't have made just a few weeks ago and some things scared me in that I thought they might be the beginning of going full fledge back to my destructive pattern of gaining and gaining and gaining.

This is my confession: Between coming back from being sicker than I had been in a very long time, some of the most horrific days at work that I have had in many many months and a terrible personal matter that my brother is struggling with I found myself turning to food for comfort. I went through the drive thru for lunch one day only to allow myself to also have a fast food dinner. That same night I found myself sitting with a half batch of brownie batter and a bag of walnuts. I use the walnuts to scoop up and eat the brownie batter. I sat there trying not to think about anything and just ate .... then an email from a very good friend saved me from consuming that whole bowl of brownie batter. (Thank you Crecia!) I got up, dumped it and the remaining mix that might have been eaten the very next night. Just a couple days later I felt guilty as I was texting that same friend and assuring her I was back on track as I sat in the parking lot of a Chinese place waiting to go in and pick up my order of combination fried rice & egg rolls. Now, the only good thing about that particular order was that I made it on a day I knew I was going to be at work until late (1st of the 10pm days) so what in the past would have been one incredibly indulgent calorie enormous make me feel like a whale meal was actually three meals. I ate lunch and dinner and lunch the next day off one order. I guess that was a success right? Although it wasn't a healthy choice I also didn't scarf it all down in one sitting.

The worst of it was that I also have eaten two pints of ice cream over the long weekend. I can't believe I did it. The kids and I were out shopping and only one local place has my all time fav...Haagen Dazs Chocoloate Peanut Butter. I brought a pint home and ended up eating the entire pint all by myself. A day or two later I saw a new Ben & Jerry's flavor...Ginger Snap. It wasnt' nearly as good as it would need to have been to have set me back in the way that I am sure it will.

The very very worst of it all is that I have made it this far in my journey, as I have in the past, by allowing myself the occassional fast food and other things that typically are no-no's in traditional "diets". I love WW because as long as I account for what I consume and the vast majority of my choices are good ones then I can still lose weight. However, when you begin making bad choices you tend to quit being accountable for those choices...so you see where this is going right? I haven't logged my food in a couple of weeks. I just wasn't eating when I was sick and so I didn't see the point, nor did I have the energy.

Today I am officially back on track. I weighed this morning in the same 1.2lbs that I have been teetering in since being sick and for now that is a HUGE blessing. Perhaps my poor choices just haven't caught up with me but I made myself some banana pancakes and put them in the recipe builder on WW and accounted for what I ate!

In a little while I will go to the store and restock my pantry and get things to restock my stash at work and this will all be behind me in no time.

Hey, maybe I'll be lighter on Wednesday just from having gotten this weight off my chest! :)

Why is it that when we know we are derailing we sometimes have no means to stop it from happening?

Obsess much?

Are we as women wired so as to obsess more easily and often than our male counterparts?

Have we not all spent countless hours considering every minute detail about a decision or issue, sometimes that are not even in the realm of our control?

I myself have obsessed the most in my life about food. Big surprise huh? I have spent entirely too much time in my life considering what I could cook, bake, buy, eat...you get the picture. I wouldn't be here, writing about my stuggle to lose weight if I didn't have such a love, love to have a little more relationship with all things delicious now would I?

I have at times illuded to persons in my life that I am a secret eater but I don't think I've ever told ANYONE to what extreme that meant. Sadly I have memories that go way back into my childhood about sneaking just one more piece of fudge, one more rice crispy treat or one more batch of cookie dough. (Do you know anyone else who has the 1/4 batch of choc chip cookie dough memorized!?). Seriously, I do. I can not tell you how many batches of that I've made over the years for the sole purpose of eating, raw right out of the bowl. I have done variations (rarely including choc chips) that typically include walnuts, occassionally oatmeal & cinnamon and I have even made peanut butter cookie dough sometimes.

I guess you could say I owe my current struggle to my lifelong obession with food. I know no kinds of obsessions are good but right here, right now, I would trade an obsession with food for an obsession with exercise. :)

I think this time around I am feeling that if I don't lay it all on the line and make this journey more public that I will find it too easy to quit. In order to keep myself from being able to even slack off I have started this blog & begun putting it out there where people can find it. I have asked a guy at wk that doesn't struggle with wt & works out that I report my weekly weigh in to him because I feel like knowing that I have to tell him how much I lost will keep me from slacking, I hope that's true. I have even felt that until I post my actual weight on this blog I won't be truly honest - but who needs to be so honest all at once? I think I'll take this one confession at a time.

Did I mention I am also somewhat obsessed with the scale? That can wait for another day.