Tuesday, March 31
I have told people that I am trying to lose weight and get healthier. I have even told quite a few people just how much I've lost but neither in real life nor here in cyberland I have been able to be completely open about exactly what I weighed or how much I weigh now. My number turned out to be much more sacred to me than I thought. I had hoped that this blog and this final journey would allow me to finally open up and share those scary/embarrassing numbers. I have actually taken a picture of the scale every week including Day 1 ~ I have just been too chicken to post them on the blog like I had intended. Thanks to Shiela, and this challenge, I've had to muster the courage to not just say how much I lost this week (which was a solid 2.6lbs) but actually post a picture of the numbers that stared up at me this morning:
There, it's done. It's out there. *giant sigh*
I also had to take recent pics of my self for this challenge and so here are pictures I had my daughter take of me last night. I decided to take different pictures in different clothes from my regular progress photos just to change things up a bit. Wore some things that were a wee bit tighter (although the pants are a size larger than most I wear, but that's another post)
Putting my number out there was a big hurdle. What have been you're most difficult hurdles to overcome on your journey? Is it easy for you to admit your number?
Sunday, March 29
I have recently been able to get back into a pair of pants that I had outgrown. This prompted me to go shopping in my own closet only to find that two other pairs of pants I haven't worn in a very very long time had the same number on the label as those I just started wearing again...sadly they are not the same size! Despite the labels saying they are both the same the others are much smaller! See? So with this as absolute proof that every size is different even if it says its the same as another does what any particular label says bother me?
And now for the opposite spectrum....why if I am the same person struggling to get out of my fat clothes should the fact that by some twist of cosmic fate I can actually put a skirt on that has a big fat M on it can make me so giddy? It doesn't matter to me that this is not how the skirt is suppose to fit just that I can get it on and, yes, I purchased it and thought that maybe, just maybe I would look smashing in it by the time I go on my goal weight celebratory cruise next February. Here is the not so good mobile pic I took the day I first tried it on...
I know that size shouldn't matter but sometimes it makes a difference in how I feel. Anyone else feel the same?
Wednesday, March 25
All in all it was a good week. I'm down 1.6lbs which makes for a total of 3.8lb this past 4wks. I have to admit I was a little frustrated by that since I was down a full 2lbs yesterday and that would have put me into a lower decade weight wise but alas today's number is what it is and next week I just hope its somewhere around 2lbs less than today. So long as the trend is downward I am happy. I also don't see a big difference between the week 8 pics and the ones I took this morning (as I waited for my mother to come and get me so I could use her car). I really didn't expect a visual difference for less than 4lbs but I exchanged the backside pics for the side view. Something new for you to look at for the next 4 weeks. :)
I realize now that the little revert to my old ways a couple of weeks ago was SOOO not worth the effect it had of slowing my overall progress this month. I hope I can keep that in mind the next time Ben & Jerry's is calling my name from the freezer section.
I have begun posting pics in various places as daily reminders of how far I have come as well as a couple from the Summer of 2006 when I came within 20lbs of my goal weight only to allow myself to gain it all back. I do not wish to to have this be one of the times I lost weight but the time I lost the weight...and kept it off!
What types of things do the rest of you do to keep yourselves motivated?
*ok, so maybe I wasn't really at a loss for words but just plain tired...
Tuesday, March 24
The realization of just how much some my habits are changing came to me not as I made sure I got my workout in before I started my long days or as I racked my brain to make sure we had a healthy dinner on the table and had eaten by 7pm but rather as I sat at a fast food chicken restaurant and stared at the pile of wonderful crispy chicken skin and fried bits that I had taken the time to carefully peel from the chicken before I ate it. vWhat was leftover when I was done eating would never before have been left sitting on the plate. I've worked hard to make this week as successful as possible after what I am considering my two week haitus and I'm excited to see what the scale will read tomorrow morning. It will also be time for 12wk progress photos. Oh joy! :)
See...see what a beautiful pile of chicken skin I left behind??
I consider this a major success also because after my sons 2 1/2hr football practice I thought it only just that I ask where he wanted to eat dinner. Without the slightest hint of hesitation he answered and instead of squashing his choice I got on my blackberry and started trying to figure out what the best choice would be and how I could stay on plan and still have red beans and rice!! Unfortunately, what I had decided I would order was no longer available on the menu... ugh. Instead I ordered the fried chicken and lef this behind ....
Thursday, March 19
I hadn't been worried about this visit until we got a couple of minutes into my 90min one on one. Seems although we've been doing certain things well we have not done all that they think we need to nor have we been good at documenting what we have done. *big sigh*
That is the very simple version of what happened that completely spiraled my really good can do attitude into an , I'm not worthy....wanna eat something....kind of funk. It was bad enough that both yesterday morning and this morning I wanted donuts so badly I could almost taste them. Now there I was upset and depressed with only one thing on my mind: What can I eat?!
Last year I would not have hesitated to consider the source of my "hunger" but instead would have been taking orders from others for donuts or the coveted peanut butter cookies that are the size of my childs head and have whole Reese's cups chunked into them. At the very least I would be scrounging for change and hitting up the vending machine downstairs for some peanut M&Ms, a Twix or the always perfect Reese's cups.
Today, instead of allowing myself to turn to food, I tried to think of the positive aspects of what had transpired and refrained from even leaving my office until I knew I would not seek food. I knew that it would only feel good for the time that it was in my mouth and yet I wanted it soooo badly! Some habits are just so hard to break. I used to teasingly say that I was an emotional eater...I didn't have an emotion that couldn't be fed and although I can conquer some emotions in other ways, ie: boredom with activity (physical activity- not eating) I just can't seem to get past the urge to eat when I'm stressed or upset. This emotion has the strongest defense against my willpower.
I ended up calling my husband and we met for lunch. My mood immediately began to lift when I got in the car and cranked up the radio. There are just some songs that are best enjoyed at full blast as you drive and sing along at the top of your lungs. I am thankful that one of those songs was playing when I got in the car. At lunch I ordered combo fried rice and ate some then intentionally sat back and talked with my husband while the food had time to get to my stomach so I wouldn't overeat just because they brought me enough fried rice to feed 3 people. I did serve myself a little bit more and ate it before we packed the To Go containers but I still only ate about 1/3 of what they brought me and normally I'd have eaten about 1/2 to 3/4 without blinking.
I'm now back at work happy to have kept myself from taking the path that led to CandyLand and awaiting the "Closing Conference" where they will give us all a summary of the strenths and weakness' they noted in any and all areas over their two day visit.
Here's hoping I have the same steadfast determination to stay on plan when they are done depending on what they say about my department.
**UPDATE** The closing conference wasn't awful. We have things we can improve on but we really already knew that and to have someone else highlight the things you do well is always a nice change. Also, don't know how I left this out earlier but at lunch my husband asked if anyone at work had noticed I was losing weight? I told him two people had commented or asked about it and then inquired why he was asking. He said, "Because I can see the difference!" I'll take that as a compliment. I was even told by my employee that I was inspiring her. Now that is a compliment! :)
Wednesday, March 18
I am totally 100% back on track with my eating and attitude now if I could just kick my own butt into gear and start exercising again! I was doing so well for a few weeks. I know they say it takes 3wks to make something a habit so here I go starting over with the building of the good habit of weekly exercise.
I have had someone else at work mention that they can see a difference in my appearance but unless I look at the before and progress photos side by side I don't yet just outright see it myself. This is why I have printed those pictures in a side by side comparison to put in my bathroom as a daily reminder.
As for the goals I set last week, well, I did two out of three and I'm sure you can already tell which I didn't quite conquer.
This will be my week to get back on the step and move my butt!
Wednesday, March 11
I now stop to count the blessing that is only a 0.2lb overall gain as of today.I am still tracking my food al beit I have not gotten off my big tushy and done any exercise since entering the confessional on Monday but maybe tonight. Did I say maybe? Allow me to rephrase: I will workout tonight. For an hour. How's that?
Goals for this week:
1 - Track Everything!
2 - Get in all my water every day.
3 - Workout at least 4x!
Next week my goal will be to begin my the habit making process. I really want to start working out in the mornings and have done it enough times successfully to know that it is possible. I just have to do a wee bit of planning the night before!
Monday, March 9
Sadly, despite that I've begun what will be my final jouney to a healthy weight and healthier life and despite success for 9 wks I still allowed myself to slack!
Ok, slack is probably an understatement. I feel as if I have totally derailed. I saw a very slight gain last Wednesday and until Saturday didnt even realize I hadn't posted my Wednesday weigh in (WI). I truly was just so busy that I didn't get it done. Sure if I'd had a great loss I woulda probably made the time to post but on Wed I was at work until 10pm, Thursday night we had a date night, & Friday night I was at work again until 10p so my lack of post had more to do with not being home in the evening which is when I typically blog vs. the fact that the scale had gone up a meer 4/10ths of a pound. If I was being totally honest, and it seems as if that's what I'm trying to be, I would admit how bummed I was that that gain meant in 3 wks I had lost only 4lbs. I was down .4 two weeks prior, then down 4.0 the previous wk then up .4 - maybe four is my number. haha
Enough of the ramblings of the missed WI. Down to the more difficult part of this post...confession! I don't really know what causes me to derail but it seems this is about the point in my journey last year that I also got off track, only then I stayed off track for the remainder of the year! I refuse to do that this time. I had lost a couple more pounds by this time last year but the specific number is not the issue, I had started to notice changes, was feeling better about myself..had a some people noticing that I was dropping pounds and that is what I think allowed me to get just a little lax. That little lax turned into a little more lax and soon the healthier choices were all but forgotten and I was back to my "wicked" ways. This past week I have eaten similarly to how I have in the past and while some of the things were not as bad as they would have been in the past they were still choices I wouldn't have made just a few weeks ago and some things scared me in that I thought they might be the beginning of going full fledge back to my destructive pattern of gaining and gaining and gaining.
This is my confession: Between coming back from being sicker than I had been in a very long time, some of the most horrific days at work that I have had in many many months and a terrible personal matter that my brother is struggling with I found myself turning to food for comfort. I went through the drive thru for lunch one day only to allow myself to also have a fast food dinner. That same night I found myself sitting with a half batch of brownie batter and a bag of walnuts. I use the walnuts to scoop up and eat the brownie batter. I sat there trying not to think about anything and just ate .... then an email from a very good friend saved me from consuming that whole bowl of brownie batter. (Thank you Crecia!) I got up, dumped it and the remaining mix that might have been eaten the very next night. Just a couple days later I felt guilty as I was texting that same friend and assuring her I was back on track as I sat in the parking lot of a Chinese place waiting to go in and pick up my order of combination fried rice & egg rolls. Now, the only good thing about that particular order was that I made it on a day I knew I was going to be at work until late (1st of the 10pm days) so what in the past would have been one incredibly indulgent calorie enormous make me feel like a whale meal was actually three meals. I ate lunch and dinner and lunch the next day off one order. I guess that was a success right? Although it wasn't a healthy choice I also didn't scarf it all down in one sitting.
The worst of it was that I also have eaten two pints of ice cream over the long weekend. I can't believe I did it. The kids and I were out shopping and only one local place has my all time fav...Haagen Dazs Chocoloate Peanut Butter. I brought a pint home and ended up eating the entire pint all by myself. A day or two later I saw a new Ben & Jerry's flavor...Ginger Snap. It wasnt' nearly as good as it would need to have been to have set me back in the way that I am sure it will.
The very very worst of it all is that I have made it this far in my journey, as I have in the past, by allowing myself the occassional fast food and other things that typically are no-no's in traditional "diets". I love WW because as long as I account for what I consume and the vast majority of my choices are good ones then I can still lose weight. However, when you begin making bad choices you tend to quit being accountable for those choices...so you see where this is going right? I haven't logged my food in a couple of weeks. I just wasn't eating when I was sick and so I didn't see the point, nor did I have the energy.
Today I am officially back on track. I weighed this morning in the same 1.2lbs that I have been teetering in since being sick and for now that is a HUGE blessing. Perhaps my poor choices just haven't caught up with me but I made myself some banana pancakes and put them in the recipe builder on WW and accounted for what I ate!
In a little while I will go to the store and restock my pantry and get things to restock my stash at work and this will all be behind me in no time.
Hey, maybe I'll be lighter on Wednesday just from having gotten this weight off my chest! :)
Why is it that when we know we are derailing we sometimes have no means to stop it from happening?
Sunday, March 1
Both yesterday and today I have weighed 1 or 1.2lbs more than I did this past Wednesday and while I knew that my drastic weightloss this past week was most likely more related to being sick and not eating than to actual weight/fat loss and that having felt better enough to actually be eating normally again for the past two days why does it make me so insane to see the scale go up!? It's like my mention in a past posting of feeling like our "number" runs like on a ticker tape across my brain contstantly all day long. The upside to my current situation would be that not only do I know why the number is doing what it is doing but I'm not doing anything drastic to stop it or get it to go the other way. I know that I have a really long journey ahead of me and that there will be ups as well as the welcomed downs on the scale. I know these things, I'm a rational woman, albeit a little obsessive in some areas. I am more than the number on the scale....heck, I wasn't even sure what exactly I wanted as my goal number except that I know what I weighed for a cruise back in 2006 and at that weight I still felt like I had a little bit of weight to get off yet and so I am currently shooting for 20lbs less than I got to back then. I know I have to have a target to shoot for or a goal at the end of this long marathon of weight loss but would someone please tell me how to turn off the neon ticker in my head that runs that darn number over and over and over again across my brain?